Who says the grass isn’t greener?

“The corne in an other mans ground semeth euer more fertyll and plentifull then doth oure own.” Meaning: The corn in another man’s ground seems ever more fertile and plentiful than our own does. (A Latin proverb cited by Erasmus of Rotterdam was translated into English by Richard Taverner in 1545.)

…OR

by the poet Ovid, “the harvest is always richer in another man’s field.”

Whatever way you want to say it, this idiom has been around for thousands of years…and I heard “The grass isn’t greener on the other side,” way too many times from those who wanted to…let’s just say they were watering the neighbors yard.

Which if you think about it, that is pretty ironic given the statement.

So, guess what?

The grass is pretty flippin’ green and the sky is a masterpiece from where I stand now!

A year and a half ago I crossed a bridge that was fairly tough to cross, made of rickety boards, spider webs and had holes in the knots. I went around a bend that was fairly sharp but still wound to a place that felt safe and opened to another path. Of course, there I found myself at a crossroads. And while I stood contemplating for a short amount of time (though it seemed like a lifetime), I finally made a decision to the take the path that felt right.

Interestingly, that path was actually to the left. It held more bridges and curves but the more I walked the path with knowledge and trust, the clearer the path became. And on the other side of all those bridges and curves were green fields – long, green, clear fields of beautiful, lush grass.

The flippin grass is so much greener on the other side! Yeah, I’m excited – a little nervous, but excited.

I may still get caught up sometimes by those rickety bridges and sharp curves, but I know that if I keep going just a little further my field of green grass is waiting to ground me. (Look up grounding – to the land ;))

I’ll fill you in why my grass is pretty green in upcoming posts 🙂

My balance may be a little off

What Balance?

She walked in an hour after she was supposed to be home, looked around at the mess in the kitchen, the crap lying all over the living room, thought about the 8 things she still needed to do (four of them for work) and made a decision to not attend the one event she had been looking forward to for months – an event for her soul and well-being.  She dropped the ball on childcare – just one more thing to add to the list.   What the flip is wrong with this picture?!?!

Contemplative.  Introspective. Detached.  These are words that have been lost from my Neverland for months.  It’s like I have been on auto-drive, doing the same thing day in and day out.  My reality has become the chaos I have let invade my Zen, when my reality should be hanging out with Peter Pan, playing in the woods and singing my songs. I’ve lost sight of who I am – REALLY who I am:

“because who I am is not that tired mommy, that overwhelmed teacher, that lackadaisical housekeeper, that worrisome daughter, that feeder of the animals (furry and human!)…umm, this list can go on and on.”

Those things are mere tasks, roles, jobs, perhaps skills I have perfected – who are we kidding?  Those things are not who I am. Who I am IS kind, witty, creative, thoughtful, passionate, sarcastic, lover of music, hopeless romantic, and spirit-filled.

Upon leaving my afterschool meeting, I began to reflect on the conversation/topics that were discussed and realized that I am doing this all wrong.  And when I say all wrong, I mean life in general.  That has happened a lot this year, by the way.  It’s ok, this teacher is flexible.

SOOOO, how do I fix it?  It is not an easy task and it is going to take some time.  This I know.  And it may even take a tribe (which I have spoken about, and obviously forgotten, in some other posts). See Abby, we all forget those things in which we have done before. (insert wink) The one thing I do know is that I need to get back to me being me. I need to take time for me.  Because, me not being me is not good for anyone.  Me not being me means skipping a much needed event at church that could have had a dramatic impact on my soul. Me not being me means “mean mommy” shows up more than I would like.  Me not being me means I get LOST in the shuffle of everyday life. And you know, you can very quickly “become” what you get shuffled into.  For example, I’m overwhelmed and tired…ALL.THE.TIME!

Life should not be like this. It just doesn’t have to be like this.  Is it the profession?  Maybe.  Is it my situation at home?  Perhaps. Is it every little thing that I let interfere into my Zen Life? Yes.  Yes, it is.  We need to stop – well I will speak for myself.  I need to stop doing what breaks me down and start doing what strengthens me, what lifts me up.  I need my tribe, whether it be the Lost Boys, Peter Pan, or the teachers down the hall, or the long-time friend who I haven’t spoken to in a year, or my child who loves to snuggle at bedtime.  Yes, we all need our tribe. That is what I took away from the meeting today – and, that I need to find the way to be me again, to find some balance….also a little wine and coke never hurts. 😉

Don’t let life leave you scratching your head. Use your tribe!

 

**As a footnote: This is me.  My writing.  I have missed you my friend.

Desperately seeking solace

One of my favorite motivators said, “How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.”  He also said, “Conflict cannot survive without your participation.” That from Wayne Dyer, who sadly just recently passed.

I’ve been conflicted lately as there is such going on in my world, so much happening around me, so much affecting me that I don’t know what day it is – literally.

To get right to the point of my war: my husband got fired four weeks ago and my faith has been tested the last few months by a conundrum that is not mine but that I got immersed in.  Our family, in addition to the firing, is also dealing with a battle that keeps resurfacing. What to do?  Many of my friends would say grab a bottle and chug.  Well, oops, that is part of the problem. So, what do you do next?

Go on vacation!

Breaking news: Mandatory evacuation has been issued for Ocracoke.

Vacation is off…for the third time.  Can’t say we didn’t give it the old college try. Insert HUGE sigh.

I’m mad. I’m broken. I’m confused. I’m tired. And I have failed to react (well, maybe I did a little).  Wayne would be proud.  I’m growing, but I’m still desperately conflicted so I guess I should watch one of his shows again. Hmmm, ugh.  Or I could just stop participating with my own self talk. I can’t change the way someone thinks about me and it honestly doesn’t mean it’s true.  Did you hear that people?  Because you think something about someone does not make it true.  Let that sink in.

What I’m learning through all these experiences lately is that I have a choice to respond or react, listen or ignore.  I really want to shout, “What is wrong with you people!” But that wouldn’t be polite and it is a reaction.  Instead I have chosen, and God has a BIG part in this, to wait and respond with grace and dignity.  Now, mind you, I have and am growing into this.  I still feel sick to my stomach at the thought of a friend being unwilling to see clarity in their situation. I feel sick about being tossed aside when I have been nothing but upfront. But, we have choices, we’re given free will and I believe what they always say…Karma is a b#$&@!

All because of Ocracoke

It can only be LOVE that brought us to this point. Well, it could be stupidity, want, stupidity. Trying to rack my brain for another word but am unable to come up with anything better. Short story – We had a nice minivan (yes, a great family vehicle) that was paid off and now have a big, honkin’ machine of a truck in the place where Susie once sat. Susie, yes I named her Susie.

Why did we give Susie away – and by all accounts and a very long sales agreement I can agree we gave her away!? I’ll tell you. Tactics, convincing, little nudges, no brass balls. All those things led to getting in Susie last Saturday and venturing down to dealership row and releasing her into the hands of Mr. Toyota. Mind you Susie was a Honda through and through. So here is how it goes every time we get a new vehicle. And if you know us, you know we just can’t live without new vehicles, right? I don’t mean new more so than I mean without a car payment. (insert sigh)

So, Kevin had this awesome idea that we should get a new SUV because he would like to go 4x4ing on the beach in Ocracoke this summer. Poor thing; Last summer we had one rented and that stupid hurricane came. We had to evacuate early leaving only the pondering of what would have been the mans greatest day. I mean geesh, Caleb got to pull some poor mans bumper off when he helped get them unstuck on the beach. What fun that would be right!? (giggling) At that moment, reason stepped in and I said to my lovable hubby, “Why don’t we just rent a 4×4 again. It would be a lot cheaper.” He kindly agreed though kept looking for a day or two. He also researched a place we could rent one for the whole week (still costing a paycheck though. WOW!). A few days go by and I think it is all done…dun, dun, dun…until MY brain starts going and I see an ad in the local paper. It’s like getting the garden growing. All you have to do it plant a seed, water it a little and BOOM – fruits of your labor. Well, that fruit is now parked in his…her…hmmm…new spot where Susie once rested. I’m a sucker for vehicles though you would never know. I am as thrifty as they come (well, I try to be). I can’t resist a good car buying nudge…”let’s just go look” lures me in EVERY time. You’d think by now I would have learned to say, “NOPE!”

I can’t say enough about the balls I really do need to grow when it comes to purchasing vehicles for us. Gosh, I don’t even really know what it feels like to have that extra money so maybe it isn’t so bad that we brought Lena…Hugo…Rory (google “good car names” lol) home. We aren’t paying much more than we were for the minivan and we have a whole lot more car. Buyers remorse is slowly fading. It’s been 5 days. Can you tell? 🙂

NOTE: I want to add something that was quite amusing to me though I was very stressed during this whole transaction. As soon as the kids saw the vehicle they jumped inside, held up their hands and started praying. I kid you not. It came to fruition. Not sure we are teaching them to right way to pray though (We took no part in the material prayer!).

Finding my Priorities

I decided, finally, with some contemplation and discussion with Kev that I would put my Realtor status on hold.  I let the owners on my company know this week.  I still hold an active license with Exit but am on sort of a leave for a while.  This actually was probably more stressful and that is why I was putting it off and putting it off.  I am only going to be doing referrals for the next year or so.

This is going to save me from paying fee after fee and not doing anything or getting anything in return.  I feel good about the decision.  I’m constantly thinking about making money and instead I pay it out.  This way, I can now really focus on raising the kids and being with my family. 

Who knew that raising children was so hard?  I can’t imagine working a full time job and not being with my children.  I only pray and thank God that I don’t have to do that.  I’m lucky that Kevin can support us.  I fought for so long whether I should be working and bringing in money.  Let’s face it, we like to spend and like nice things.  But, we have found a way to make it work.  A very wise woman told me that is what happens when it is right.  I was teaching at the time and it was one of the parents of a student.  She was right.  Thanks Trish. 

I’m now going to really take the time to enjoy the “little” things in life!

My New Vacation Spot

I just had to find a place to get away from the madness and noise, a place all for me.  A place I can put my feet up, take out a good book and relax.  So, I bought a couch for the front porch.  Hey, don’t have to go far to enjoy the little pleasures of life!

Oh, all the seasonal stuff at Target is on Clearance!      

About 6 Weeks

A day or two ago I started feeling something…whewwww…yeah, no.  It was the first of the pregnancy symptoms.  My boobs hurt!  I kept thinking that something was wrong.  I hadn’t felt any different than any other day, when I wasn’t pregnant that is.  Then, two days ago I got a strange feeling as I put on my shirt.  Yep, it was the boobs.  They are starting to get ready.  Boy is Kevin happy that the titty fairy has returned!  Thanks Wayne! lol

I’ve felt good so far.  A little tired, not sleeping all night because I am getting up to pee every hour or so.  I don’t remember doing that this soon with Brady’s pregnancy but maybe my uterus is growing faster since it’s done this before (like it has a mind of it’s own!).  I have to say that I have been doing very well with my water drinking.  I suppose my brain took over as soon as it found out I was pregnant because I have actually been wanting water.  That’s a good thing. 

We are just taking it one day at a time.  It’s still kind of not real.  I guess it never is until that first doctors visit.  Speaking of, I have decided I think to go to an all male office in the area.  I never saw males before as my obgyns but honestly, after last time, I don’t care.  As long as I find someone who listens to me and understands my point in this experience, woman or man doesn’t matter.  I’ve had a ton of referrals for this office so I’m praying that they are right on the money.  Time will tell.

10 Random Thoughts

1) How can you NOT believe in a higher power? Have you read the evidence?

2) I have too many plants in my yard…but I love all of them even though my allergies are killing me!

3) I can do anything I put my mind to, if I could only get my mind out of bed.

4) It’s not the size of the clothes your wearing, but the image you portray while wearing them. Love your body!

5) Everything I see I want. WOW, just opened. Look it up. WOW! When will I ever stop wanting? I don’t need anymore “stuff.” Guess it’s time to get on my knees!

6) How small will the smallest computer be?

7) I have K’s post meeting with the testing admin. tommorrow. She will pass with flying colors!

8) I love my church!

9) Bartering? Hum. I wonder if people will resort to this in this economic crunch?

10) My purpose in life…

….

…

……

to be continued!

Is this the beginning…

I so hope not.  When I took B to the doctor last week, I also took the medical form K would need to get filled out to start kindergarten.  I didn’t bother to look at what the nurse filled out until two days ago.  I was reading and then noticed on the back page where there is a spot for additional comments (from her med. history) she jotted down about K being adopted and her birthmothers situation.  First, the issue of why or how S had to giver her up is not something we are ever going to tell her.  We’ve told her that S was sick and knew mommy and daddy could give her a great life.  That’s our plan until, if ever, she gets old enough to understand and asks anymore.  Secondly, why does the school need to know she is adopted?  They can’t look at her and see her different skin or more importanly, why the heck is that their business?  At any rate, I thought about whiting it out because it is not pertinent info. in my opinion and I also would like to discuss that with the nurse.  K’s doctor was not there that day so I know she did not do it.  Don’t you think she could have talked to me about it first?  I know we will most likely confront things we are going to be ready for and not ready for but I really didn’t expect it to start this soon.  We’re already dealing with K realizing she is not “exactly” like us.  This is going to be interesting.  I’m already scoping out some forums online to talk to other parents in this same situation.

Eat Moooore Chickin’

Hey, I LOOOOVVVEEEE Chik fil A and not because you should eat more chicken but because – They are so freakin’ nice!

I know it is their motto to be super nice to the customer but sometimes it just makes you appreciate the sentiment.  I don’t know a chik fil a that has never gone out of their way to be nice, and I mean any employee there that is.  Today I was just craving breakfast there and the simple, “It was a pleasure to serve you,” I got at the drive through window made me smile all the way home.  They just make you feel so good.  There was some movie we watched last summer I think that had a “validation” guy in the parking lot.  Well, people always went to him to get, well um, “validated.”  Chik fil a is like that.  You can’t leave there without being sort of validated in a sense.  And while I’m spitting out compliments about them…right after I had Brady I went to the one by Concord Mills.  I had him in the baby carrier and Kendra too (wild as always).  One of the ladies who worked there carried my tray to the table for me and then, she saw me looking around for something and came over to ask if I needed anything…that she noticed I looked as if I needed something.  I did indeed, ketchup or something like that I think. I just felt so good when I left there.  I just love the employees at chik fil a and what the company stands for.  If you don’t know, read up on it.

Oh, and eat more chicken!