I love hiking. Meandering through lush vegetation, the sun peaking through the trees and brushing up against the understory. Glistening leaves wave hi as I walk by. A cool air sweeps around my body, and at the perfect moment my soul takes a peaceful sigh in the presence of nature. Yeah! What I wouldn’t give to be back packing through the hills of the NC Appalachians right now.
I sit here in my mid-life (I guess “they” call it that) month thinking about all the paths I have ambled, paraded, shuffled, and tripped down in my first forty years. Holy smoley! Life sure has shown me thickets and curvaceous roads; has given me intersections where I have been seemingly at a stand still for
days months. This last year has been a complete and utter test of faith and of myself. By sheer determination, on top of a mountain actually, I took a leap of faith rationalizing if my life should change drastically from that which it has been for the majority of my years. (insert big sigh) Why was I up on that mountain? I don’t know if that question is as important as how I got there. I didn’t get there alone, but I was the one that walked my butt up to the summit – to the place where it all culminated. Now WTF am I going to do?
I started this post 21 days ago. The words I couldn’t express locked away in my head and heart. I’m hurting, still. Not in the way people in my situation normally hurt (I have heard). I’ve skipped steps in this process, or more so, perhaps, I’m doing it out of order. No doubt this will take time to overcome and work through. Work through…hmmm, work through. My inner dialogue has been on overdrive since – well I can’t pin point it, but for a long time. I didn’t listen to my intuition. Geesh, how many times!?! I freakin have quotes all over the place about it – intuition that is.
…and that is precisely what I have done my whole life. I justified and tried to explain away everything, and mainly the person I did that to was myself. And not because someone told me to, but because that is who I was – WAS. I spent my past life worrying and wondering what everyone else thought…and when I say everyone, I mean those who are closest to me…doing what they wanted me to do. You know what I realized on top of that mountain? They did not “make” me do anything. Just like I walked myself up to the top on that mountain, I made choices based on “my” thoughts about what I perceived others wanted of me. Have you heard this?
“Sometimes we are our own worst enemies.”
Note to self – Here is the good news:
You still have the ability to make good choices, wise choices, forward-moving, life changing choices. You have the ability to be YOU and not you for someone else but for you, only.
My perspective has to change. My self talk has to deviate from what my inner Missababe would normally say. I climbed the mountain that day and have been climbing an escarpment for far longer than I realized. So, on this eve, of the eve, of the eve of my 40th (29th hehe) birthday I vow to right myself and keep moving on. 🙂 Like Vince Lombardi said:
With determination and will, summit after summit will be attained – because I am not just going to fall there….It’s not possible. I’m going to continue to hike like my life depends on it!
And a few memes never hurt: follow me on 1carolinacharm (Twitter) & kbcmomma (IG)