The other day, I finally saw the episode on Oprah about the moms who were telling all. That kind of has given me the courage to say some things, especially since today was hard. The kids were fine, I just wasn’t. So, while soaking in the tub tonight it all came out.
I feel like I have been hiding who I am for years. I wanted to be a good mom. I wanted to do everything for my kids but I know you can’t do that. I finally went to the doctor after Brady was born to talk about how I had been feeling. I was given some meds that really made me feel better after a few weeks. Of course, we had also started going to church which has made a large impact on our marriage. I am still waiting for it to help me as a mom. All in good time I suppose.
But today I just couldn’t get off the couch. Really I had no want to do it. Sad. My kids were home and wanting to do things and I didn’t. I did manage to get them food and drinks and change diapers. I did the things I had to do but as far as anything above that, nope. Didn’t have the will. I find this strange and I hope that I am not the only mother who feels that way. I think some of this has to do with the pregnancy hormones but I think a lot of it has to do with me being depressed. I’m just not happy. There is no reason not to be happy, but I’m really not.
I feel like I am breaking my oldest Spirit. She seems not so happy here no matter what we do. There are other circumstances that contribute to her actions I think, but as a mother I feel I should be able to figure this out. I’m just praying that we will get through this and as she grows older we will figure things out. I know I just want to start feeling better so I will be able to do things with the kids – fun things. I feel like I have missed out on doing so much just because I do what I want to do. I really haven’t taken the time to do things with them like I want to. I said this when Kendra was little. Now, Brady is 18 months and I find myself saying it again. Something has to change. With a third on the way, it is time to get priorities in line.
I’ll just keep praying and looking to God for the answers. I was just glad to know that I wasn’t the only mother out there who felt this way.